Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
#CatsOnTwitter
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.