Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
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dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
“I wouldn’t.”
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]