Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
You Might Also Like
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.