Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
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My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.