Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it