Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

A huge thanks to the person that did this

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.