Lately I have the attention span of wait what
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My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Blocked: 1985
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.