Lately I have the attention span of wait what
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I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen