Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Me checking my bank balance online.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.