Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.