Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?