Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

You Might Also Like


40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.


It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly


INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one


NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon?

I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.


My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.


Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.


WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok


ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor


My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!


Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.