@AmberTozer

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

You Might Also Like

@UnFitz

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

@Rica_Bee

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

@ShortSleeveSuit

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

@Shock_Monster

NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon?

I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.

@sixfootcandy

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

@ObscureGent

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

@daemonic3

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

@Lhlodder

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

@215potter

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.