40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon?
I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.