Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m calling the cops.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug