Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.