Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

What flavor cupcake are these

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

I try

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.