[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Miscakes
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……