@thetits

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

You Might Also Like

@tweetsbyrocket

therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

@momjeansplease

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

@AntoKenya

My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.

@jharden21

teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?

me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!

@PlainTravis

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

@ErikGators

Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it’s ok for her to talk to multiple cats.

@Taryn_

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

@IndecisiveJones

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right