therapist: u suffer from social isolation
me: oh no
therapist: you just need to talk to people
me: OH NO
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
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WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.
teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?
me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it’s ok for her to talk to multiple cats.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right