Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

lumberjacks will cut a birch

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.