[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.