Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

These dogs look like they have good credit.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?