Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”