Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I can’t stop watching this.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore