Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

That’s what I call a flat tire

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

Note to self: always read the final line

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.