Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!