Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
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The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
john wicks are toilet candles
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.