Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

vegan witches, happy halloween!

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

New comic up. “Ransom”

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot