Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted