Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip for my good boys out there

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

I only eat vegetarians.

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”