latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Dyslexics are teople poo!
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
I feel this so hard
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.