latin students necrophiliacs
馃
enjoying a dead tongue
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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Of course I鈥檓 a morning person, why do you ask?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn鈥檛 work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
It鈥檚 entirely possible the recipe didn鈥檛 say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
God: you鈥檙e a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you鈥檙e the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you鈥檙e in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don鈥檛 worry be Capy : )
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he鈥檚 about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter鈥檚 bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.