Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.