latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Morning all.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team