latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?