latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune