latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
who will stop them
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?