latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
welp
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.