latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I think I’m gonna be sick
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
also my go-to takeaway order
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”