latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
like swimming in quick dry cement
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is