Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down