“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
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Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Arrest that man!
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
same bro
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.