“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
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Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
drew a comic about my origin story
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”