“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
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[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY