@4shish

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

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@PaulyPeligroso

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

@E_lok44

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

@Cherbearxo

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

@HighOnDrunk

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

@BenOni_Kenobi

If you’re hot I’m going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.

@badAzz_mom

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

@thenatewolf

Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?

*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*

Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone

@matt___nelson

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa