Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
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Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If you’re hot I’m going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?
*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*
Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone
JESUS: so I’m u
JESUS: and ur me
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other