“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
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7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I’ve had worse
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.