Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
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[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.