Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

I just stopped by to water my horse.

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.