LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
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i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.