Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

I don’t believe him.

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.