LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
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Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.