Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.