Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
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I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.