Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
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Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.