Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.