Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

pain

Math at Halloween.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.