Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ