Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
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The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
This sounds bad:
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
yea so i messed up lol
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.