Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

Me when I hear gossip

Do not go gentle into that good night,

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat