Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Only Americans understand
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
lol
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’