Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first