Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
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Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no