Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
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Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
what
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.