Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON