Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
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EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
road rage
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION