Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
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My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.