*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Thursday Thought.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
live long and prosper!
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Thrilling chase underway
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
