*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
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A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.