Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

What fresh Hell is this?!?

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.