Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
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When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now