Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
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Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.