Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

LOL

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course