Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.