Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Nice try, poison.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.