Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
“A little help here, Danny?”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My first son he is wonderful
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
That was easy.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?