Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

ㅤ

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

We need more people like this.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?