Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
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People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.