Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦