Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

airing out the snack pack

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.