Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about

Do I believe in jinxes? Let me put it this way: I dropped and broke a mirror and one month later I was married.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

mood

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.