Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

😁

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

I needed a laugh this morning.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue