Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

cat faces on other animals, a thread

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out