Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
this is uni
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.