*launders Kohls cash*
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My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”