Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.